Eco-Warriors™: The Battle for Newbury...
[ Hordes of long-haired people sitting in trees. Reporter speaking to a protester amid shouts of 'Stop the Newbury bypass' ]
Reporter: Mr Loser-Lloyd, some people have said they believe most of these people are 'professional protesters' living off the goodwill of others genuinely concerned about this environmental issue.
Loser-Lloyd: Nah man. We, like, really care about the endangered species in this place. Just, like, we really cared about every other issue we've protested about.
Reporter: The official is arriving now to give the protesters their final eviction notice.
[ Man shielded by police walks through the crowds. Suddenly a female protester manages to struggle through and screams at the official ]
Protester: Fascist pig!
[ Official stands frozen with shock ]
Official: Oh god. She called me a fascist pig. That really cuts me up.[ Starts crying ] There was no need to be so nasty. Alright you've won. We won't build the bypass after all. [ Walks to his car, sobbing ]
[ Protesters start cheering, but soon stop because one of them is desperately trying to quieten them down. He speaks hurriedly to them. ]
[ Loud whispers of 'We haven't got another one planned for 6 months'. ]
[ Murmurs of agreement as the protester continues to talk. The reporter goes over to him. ]
Reporter: Any comment on this unexpected decision?
Protester: Yeah. It's a bloody disgrace, this. They're going to bloody cancel this bypass destroying the habitat of hundreds of unwashed hippies. This is a sight of special scientific interest to deodorant manufacturers. Where will us protesters go?
[ Hastily altered placards are waved and shouts of 'Save the bypass' are heard ]

Please note that due to the pressing concerns of installing pointless walls/bleaching statues we cannot guarantee to deliver your prize for 7 years.

That Senior School Chapel Campaign Group Speech in Full
Eight forty-one
William Turner and Sally Corbin are to be executed for murder by boredom. Officials begin pwepawing ve electwic chair.
Eight forty-two
A stay of execution until Eight forty-fwee is gwanted by the Fedewal court. Ve convicted murdewers are taken back to veir cells....
Eight forty-five
... A fifteenf stay of execution for 1 minute whilst the state supweme majestic judge dwinks his coffee is gwanted. The pwisoners are offered veir favouwite meal - fwied bwead, whubarb cwumble, woast wabbit and wavioli. They wefuse....
[The school slowly begins to drop off]
Eight forty-nine
[The entire school is asleep]
... At fwee-firty-fwee, after ve fwee-fousandf-fwee-hundwed-and-firty-fwird fwee-hour, firty-fwee-minute, firty-fwee second stay of execution (gwanted whilst his highness the ultimate supweme overlord of justice tied his shoelaces) has wun out, ve convicted murdewers are stwapped into ve electwic chair. A pwiest wecites a pwayer. Ve deaf wawant is wead.
Eight fifty
The pwisoners clench veir fwists as fwee-fousand-fwee-hundwed-and-firty-fwee volts of electwic cuwwent wip fwough veir bodies. Wed smoke wises fwom veir heads.
Eight fifty-three
The pwisoners are pwonounced dead.
[A party is organised]