The Salters' Teaching Prize
This year's Salters' Prize for the Teaching of Chemistry has not been awarded to Peter Higginsh, who is not Christ's Hospital's head of Chemistry.
Mr Higgins was conspicuously not presented with the Salters' Teaching Prize, and did not receive a cheque for £10,000. The distinguished panel of judges observed Mr Higgins at work. One commented 'Before I met Mr Higgins I was a life-long insomniac, but after sitting through one of his incredibly boring and tedious lessons I think I have found the cure. I am planning to sign a lucrative contract with Mr Higgins for a series of recordings of his lessons under the title 'Mr Higgins' Guide to Chemistry for Sleepful Nights'.'. Mr Higgins was then asked a barrage of searching questions by the judges, such as 'zzzzzzzz' and 'yawn'. When asked how he made lessons so boring, [to be continued]

555 Miles in the Classroom!
Last summer the Mr Pattison completed his longest guilt trip to date through Saxony with a group of pupils.
The group, consisting of Mr Pattison and his German class, travelled to Dresden, the capital of the former tranquil East German state of Saxony, and before the totally unjustifiable and horrific bombing raids of 1945 when the war was all but over and the poor, innocent, misled German people were preparing for surrender, one of the most delightful and beautiful cities in Europe.

Frank Pattison celebrates 20,000 moans since 1987
One of the highlights of the trip occurred in the modern languages department when Mr Pattison had the opportunity to apologise to the German assistant for his country's crimes during the Second World War. At a dinner at his house, the group stole a selection of his best Bavarian spirits, but did present him with a delightful whine recounter to commemorate his most memorable guilt trips.

The Blue Section
To save readers wading through the mire of monotonous irrelevancy that is the most of The Blue we have selected the salient sections and re-printed them here.

Conservation Group
This has proved to be a busy and productive year for the Conservation Group. We have been engaged in cutting down and burning a large area of hazel trees in Shelley's wood. This may at first appear to be a bit destructive - largely because it is - but is nevertheless productive. It produces...er...smoke.

The Campaigns Group
We fight the negative energies in the world. Because we're part of the younger generation we know more about this than anybody else. Some people in the world have to suffer terrible rights abuses - usually in foreign countries that aren't in England. Amnesty International sometimes send us information about executions and we try and help. I suggested supplying a scaffold but everyone just stared at me.

And a final message for those who claim that our humble actions cannot possibly solve the world's problems: if we all club together, if we all work at it, if we all truly believe, we can achieve great things...like getting W.Turner to stay in a cage for a couple of hours.

DICK POLTROON
Headmaster's House (1985-1996)
DoB: Would only say "When Britain ruled the world"

Dick's receding hairline certainly won't be forgotten, especially as the new Headmaster will constantly remind of it. What also won't be forgotten is Dick's radiant, fun-loving personality. Who could forget Dick the joker? Dick the clown? He was a man who didn't mind making a fool out of himself for others' amusement. Who could forget his ridiculous assertion that The Genuine Article was a vaguely decent newspaper? Who could forget his laughable proposition for a girls-only night at the sports centre? Wherever he goes people find amusement and I'm sure everyone in Thailand will have just as much fun laughing at him as we did. You're great, Dick.

JONATHAN WOLFENSTEIN
The Computer Room (the beginning of time-soon, hopefully)
DoB: Would only say "Hmm...I don't think that's relevant"

Johnny, known to his friends as 'Monty', was renowned throughout the school for his outrageous pranks. No one will forget the time he sent a whole shipload of doorstops with 'RM' written on them to a Romanian school under the pretence that they were computers! A genuinely lovely person, he entertained us all with his daredevil escapades. Whether it was giving his entire collection of computers to thieves for a laugh, or taking part in a car crash with a lorry, he approached life with a cheerful silliness that was a joy to behold.

'DR' DAVID GERIANT JONES
Physics Classroom (1985-1996)
DoB: Would only say "Stop playing silly buggers"

Geriant was probably one of the most gifted individuals ever to grace the physics labs of Christ's Hospital; although widely misunderstood as the result of an obscure birth defect that continually hampered communication with his fellow students, the Welshman's wizardry at physics was universally acknowledged. As 'Dr' Dave moves on to greener pastures in the search of more compliant 'sheepf', we wish him the best of luck: God knows he'll need it.

Recycling Group
The Recycling Group was set up when it was realised that a large amount of school resources were being wasted and simply thrown away. Whilst minor operations involving paper and drinks cans have been going for some 3 years the main thrust of recycling is in the area of food. Other organisations may have been recycling cans and paper for ages but C.H. can genuinely claim to be a pioneering force in the area of food recycling. No one else has ever mastered the science of transforming unwanted food, in particular baked beans into new, resource-efficient, unwanted, food.