As a result we need to use the place to generate income for my London property ventures, and, I might add, I've been very successful at this: we are gradually taking over the entire place with businesses such as the new 'Sports and Social Centre', and the now world-renowned 'Blueprint Graphics', instead of some uncompetitive school. So perhaps, in future, people will think just a little bit about all the good work I do towards enriching my bank account…ahem, charity, before voicing criticism.

We may well be, although I don't know, as I don't really have a head for figures. What is certainly the case, however, is that we need to be. It may make a good story for middle-market tabloids, like the execrable Mail in which this appeared, to carp about, but they simply don't understand the complex finances of a unique institution such as ours. Of course the Foundation needs to make a vast sum of money in order to support the various properties we own. These so-called journalists may emphasise our massive income, but we own millions of pounds' worth of London properties that, regrettably, bring in

nothing. Why? Because we charitably bungle the management of such properties, in order to afford London businesses with ridiculously cheap premises.

Perhaps you have heard of the small school we use to bring in funds for the London property charity - it would be worth a considerable amount if the land could be bulldozed for old peoples' homes, but as the aforementioned educational establishment has some weak claim to protected status our lawyers have so far failed to get permission for its destruction.

West Foundation Commemorated
A plaque recognising the generosity of the West Foundation was recently unveiled in the Quad. The plaque was sponsored by the West's of Cromwell Street Gloucester, and unveiled by member of the academic staff Mr 'Napoleon' West (apparently no relation to either). In his dedication speech, Mr West explained the principles underlying the West's Foundations, such as the famous 'No legs good, two legs bad' dictum, and pointed out the plaque's strategic position in the cloisters where pupils running round the quad as punishment for lateness at his lessons would see it. He then lined up the assembled onlookers in rank according to height, and strode up and down in front of them exalting them to bleat like sheep.

A new badge for pupils sponsored by the West Foundation has also been introduced and depicts the tools of Fred and Rosemary's trade (surely 'John and Francis'? Ed.), the gag and spade, along with a lovingly drawn plan of the West's Foundation's by a Mr X. Cavator. You, too, can own one of these beautiful works of craftsmanship for just £250 (excl. p&p): contact CH Enterprises Retail Division on 01666 666666; just ask for Rose.