1993 - Bandmaster lays Stone. It was the band that provided the focus for the first great foundering in recent years. The bandmaster opted for a hands-on approach to student relations, and was consequently forced to run off with the lumpish Sarah Stone. His family wasn't best pleased, but much more important was the absence of a man to take over the band's preparation for their yearly exhibition of militaristic pseudo-fascist pomp. Masterfully, the school stepped in by sewing extra buttons on the band captain's coat sleeves, and they needn't have worried - it was as reassuringly dull as every other one.

1994 - Husband loses wife. In a surprise step the famously witty history teacher made a career switch into the fast-moving area of Hull parcel delivery. Like the errant bandmaster before him, the bearded joker found words alone weren't sufficient to communicate with certain pupils, and elected for a slightly more physical approach, but was cruelly handed his own resignation by a headmaster who didn't understand his innovative teaching techniques.

1995 - Kent rape in West Sussex. Sebastian Cunt, renowned intellect, and theatrical raconteur, decided, for a change, to tackle someone other than his fellow testosterone-saturated rugby enthusiasts, and went for something only slightly more attractive in the form of a similarly simian female. Alas, Seb's decision to pump something other than the usual iron did not inspire any great affection in his would-be betrothed, and the scrum collapsed. She accused him of rape, and demanded a jail sentence - he thought a penalty try more appropriate.

1995 - McCall calls it a day. It was a dark day for the maths department when this renowned silver-maned mathematician's calculations went seriously awry. Mr McCall's decision to step gingerly out of the closet in front of one of his tutees, turned into an undignified ejection from the entire school when his amorous advances found no reciprocal. It all added up to a sordid affair whose result was McCall's subtraction from the staff roster.

1997- Derbyshire not in Oxford (says geography don). A desperate search for a toilet ended Oli's Oxford ambitions. Despite the expert preparation afforded by the C.H. careers department, no one had warned the poor student that it wouldn't always do to go urinating on other people's beds. For some reason, unknown to the writers of this précis of events, authorities at the venerable institution took particular exception to the fact that the bed chosen by the weak-bladdered malefactor was occupied at the time by a girl. End result: Oxford 1, Derbyshire Nil.