Lousey! Issue 7

Issue 7

The Headmaster Reports

Letters to the editor
Due to its massive number of quality articles 'The Blue' has run out of space. We are therefore publishing some of its letters.

Dear Sir,

I was most dismayed to discover that Housey pupils are now provided with beds! I'm sure my fellow Old Farts will remember that when I was a whippersnapper CH lads weren't allowed to sleep until the Greater Erasmus, when you were allocated a small space in which to rest. You only slept indoors if you were being buggered by the housemaster. On the Grecian's you were allowed a blanket as a special treat if you were terminally ill.

In my day you spoke when you were spoken to, and you damn well bent over when you were told!

Yours faithfully

Major Harcourt-Witherington-Smythe VC DM OBE OLD GIT

As you will all know, I am a deeply Christian man. As such I feel it is my duty to lead others to The Path Of Righteousness, to spread the Word Of The Lord, and stop myself looking quite so stupid when only three people turn up for communion.

It is obvious to me that every pupil in this religious, royal, and ancient foundation, does love The Lord. Hallelujah! Praise be!. They don't, however, know it yet. My plans to rectify this situation, and to stop their souls' eternal anguish in The Depths Of Beelzebub's Domain, are two pronged. . .

Firstly I have, as you probably know, specified that there must be a full school chapel every Sunday. This means that the senior end of the school can also praise The Almighty Father every week. Hopefully the trite phrases and quotations from The Holy

Book, will eventually inculcate their brains.

Speaking of 'brains', I have decided to make Tuesday senior chapels even more special by employing that renowned man of the church, Rev. Chris Brain, to conduct our worship. Despite removing the hymns, sermons, and any mention of Our Saviour Jesus Christ from these services, they still aren't appreciated. From now on the 'raves' on Saturday night will be moved to these services and will be interspersed by appallingly acted 'plays'.

These measures are intended to save our pupils' souls from Eternal Damnation in the Fires Of Hell. Only through intense worship, self-flagellation and universally hated compulsory Sunday Chapel services shall we enter The Kingdom of Heaven. Amen.

Lousey! find out what being in the Campaign Group is about...

A while ago two intrepid Lousey! reporters took out a subscription to Socialist Worker and joined the group for a week. They recorded this conversation, indicative of the band's revolutionary spirit and uncompromising ideals. The names of the revolutionaries concerned have been rendered unrecognisable.

Loser-Lloyd: Like man, we, like, need to stage a school protest.
Sad Maddocks: Yeah, and like, use the word 'like', lots.
Loser-Lloyd: Yeah, but mainly, like, we gotta 'ave a protest.
Crap Channer: But what about, Dave?
Loser-Lloyd: Dunno. But, like, that's not the point. We gotta show the world.
Sad Maddocks: And use the word 'like'.
Crap Channer: Yeah. And use the word 'man'. Like in 'Save the world, man'. It's real important, the 'man'.
Loser-Lloyd: We're gonna walk out

of lessons five minutes early and, like, play somefin . . .erm . . .music . . .that's it, in the quad.
Sad Maddocks: And use the word 'like'.
Crap Channer: I've fought of somefin' real cunnin'. We'll use battries in the stereos. To, like, stop evil fascist teachers pulling out the plugs.
Sad Maddocks: And, like, use the word 'like' lots, man. Don't forget that.
Loser-Lloyd: Yeah. But, like, what if they get pissed off 'cause they can't turn it off.
Sad Maddocks: If they do, we can just, use the words 'man' and 'like' and then they'll know we are, like,

ecologists, man. They'll back off then.
Crap Channer: Dave, you're right. We'd better, like, plug them in so they can stop it, if they get annoyed, man. Actually let's not 'ave music. It's too much hassle.
Loser-Lloyd: Yeah. That'll show 'em. But wait a minute, five minutes early? That's during lessons. We'd better do it in break, man.
Crap Channer: But then we miss our cups o' coffee. Maybe, like, to really show 'em. we should, like, stay back back at house an' watch telly!
Sad Maddocks: And say 'like'!
Loser-Lloyd: Yeah. They won't forget that in a hurry. . . .