As the festive season approaches, the number of Christ's Hospital pupils coming under attack in Horsham increases yet again. We interviewed headmaster Mr Richard Poletron about the matter. "Attacks? Oh, yes. Well, if they will insist on wearing that ridiculous uniform into Horsham then they're getting no more than they deserve."

An example of this heinous and shocking violence is the awful case of Laurence Maccaroni, an innocent pupil going about his business in Horsham when he was suddenly set upon by approximately 200 vicious thugs. Laurence had his arms and legs broken, was knifed 17 times, disembowelled, decapitated, and pushed under a slow-moving juggernaut before being left for dead by the gang of 600.

The police issued this statement: "There were at least 4000 of them and we are at this time conducting a nationwide helicopter search for them. The Army and Royal Marines have been alerted and are on full standby. We believe the criminals to have been connected with the Cromwell Street murders."

As the snow is falling and Christmas approaches I thought I'd ramble on about some crap I read in The Guardian last week.

It is my belief that the traditional nativity scene, with Jesus in the manger and the three kings coming to bring gifts is too conventional. The Christmas message should be about contempory issues.

My idea is to use nativity scenes as storage areas for the less fortunate members of our society. I'd put AIDS victims in the manger; they don't need a proper bed as they'll be dying soon. I'd shove in a Bosnian war victim, and a beggar off the streets of London. Let's not forget the street urchin from New York, reaching out his claw-like hand for nickels and dimes, or a million other

tedious examples I can dredge up from my back issues of The Guardian.

I'd build the place out of corrugated iron and oil drums and leave it to be torn down by the inhuman, vicious, nasty law enforcers.

You may be thinking that I'm just a boring, pompous, whining, Guardian-reading trendy lefty, what with my going on and on about some pathetically cheap idea for a new-age nativity scene. You would, however, be wrong. You see if we do everything I just described and torched the place then we'd have less to worry about. We'd have no AIDS sufferers to care for, and less annoying blokes on the underground with long hair and earrings asking you for money. I can't see why no one's thought of it before . . . .