might not get expelled. I've got to go now, to do some embezzling . .ahem, I mean work.

Police Have Description of Computer Thief

Horsham constabulary has released the following description of a man they would like to question in connection with the recent computer theft:

A balding, short, officious man, thought to be using the alias 'Monty'. Obtained entry to the computer department under the pretence that he knew something about computers.

"He won't get far", said a police spokesman, "he's one of the stupidest people we've ever dealt with. He'll probably forget where he is and turn himself in. If you see him, don't approach him, as he may bore you to death."

Firstly I'd like to say that it's not all bad news. We've managed to waste a lot of money on numerous pointless, expensive projects around the school. We've installed worthless signs, tarmaced part of the ground, built a new path by the maths block and started publishing a pointless propaganda newsletter called Housey!. The dining-hall has also been an absolute winner as far as wasting money goes. I would hereby like to congratulate Mr Blunder for his sterling work in reducing our excess cash.

The problem is that we've run out of money to waste. In order to counteract this the clerk has decided to continue the raising of the top income allowed for parents of new entrants. In future a large number of entrants with families

earning £30,000 pa or more will be begged to seek places at the school, as we can't get anybody else.

The Clerk commented, "If we accept 25 children whose parents pay full costs this would increase my income by more than £2.5 million over 10 years. I'd be able to retire! This approach is consistent with sustaining one of the strengths of Christ's Hospital, namely the cosmopolitan mix of our pupils, all from a high income background." Any fears that this might destroy the unique ethos of Christ's Hospital were dispelled when the Clerk said that he was trying to get more people to be donation governors: "For only £6,000 you get absolutely nothing! Yes, that's right, nothing! If you're lucky your presentee

Lousey: Why, then, did you do it?
Dick: I think you're repeating yourself there. I just need to do a quick supercilious grin. Thank you. Any more questions?
Lousey: Why should rugby be compulsory for Deps and Grecians?
Dick: They all enjoy it.
Lousey: No they don't.
Dick: Can you be sure of that? In any case it's part of the package.
Lousey: Why is it part of the 'package', you balding idiot.
Dick: Now you're being offensive, and I'm shocked. I shall now go red in the face. I'd answer that question...
Lousey: Yes?
Dick: ... but that would involve getting bogged down in the issue.

Lousey: Why is the food at C.H. so bad?
Dick: Could I answer that firstly with a patronising smile? Thank you. We've all heard that one before!
[cue laughter from cronies]
Lousey: So you refuse to answer the question?
Dick: I'll just do a quick condescending laugh. Thank you. Of course. I'd love to.
Lousey: Well go on then.
Dick: As I said I'd love to but ...
Lousey: But what?

Dick: .. but I don't want to get bogged down in the issue.
Lousey: All right then. Was it easy to expel those pupils for having sex?
Dick: On the contrary it was an extremely difficult thing to do.
Lousey: Why did you do it then?
Dick: The rules were clear, and they broke them. It was easy to see what had to be done.
Lousey: You just said it was difficult.
Dick: No I didn't. I said it was a difficult thing to do. It was, however, easy to see that it had to be done.