Lousey! Issue 2

In this issue:		Issue 2
	*Focus on Food - we look at what makes Fairfield catering so good*
	*We speak to the brains behind the Fairfield operation - John Bocker*

Declining food standards set to continue

Fresh initiatives announced at the start of term by the catering management, will maintain the continuous decline of catering standards at Christ's Hospital

Graph of food nutritional content

New Christ's Hospital
Appointments

Fairfield Catering Staff:
Should be surly, unhelpful, and able to use a spoon. Liverpool accent essential. Ł10 p.a.

Head Chef:
Must be able to demonstrate lack of culinary skill. Encyclopaedic knowledge of recipes involving baked beans necessary. Ł200,000 p.a.

The management of Fairfield catering at Christ's Hospital has recently announced a number of new measures designed to further reduce the standard of service available to pupils.

Following the runaway success of the separate junior and senior queues in increasing the waiting times for food at breakfast and tea, the catering staff have introduced cereal dispensing machines, thus creating even more queues! This allowed Fairfield to implement a whole new set of cost cutting measures, as fewer people ever get any food. This extra money was immediately used to furnish dining-hall with a new set of shiny, brightly coloured plastic cereal bowls. These smaller bowls enabled Fairfield to provide less cereal, and thus save even

more money. When asked to comment on his success, Christ's Hospital Catering Manager, Mr Blunder said: "We've managed to get tea attendance down to 150 pupils, but I believe this can be bettered. I, personally, am negotiating a deal whereby we pay somebody to remove one of our hopelessly crap serving points, increasing queues by a stroke. Every pupil we discourage from going to tea or breakfast, by providing abysmally bad food or creating huge queues, is another 27p saved."

Mr Bladder went on to say: "The money saved allows us to look around, and pay, for especially bad food. Our target is to spend less than Ł1 a year on tea, by making sure nobody goes at all."

John 'bullet-proof glasses' Bocker speaks to Lousey!

In another of its now legendary exclusive interviews, Lousey! speak to John Bocker, a stalwart of the catering industry. John is a man(?) who is dedicated to his work. Lousey! caught up with him on the job ....

in trouble now!
Lousey: Oh no! You mean I have to eat the food?!
John: Come 'ere an' say that.
Lousey: How long have you lived in the slops bin?
John: Oh, about 5 yea . . . . Right! That's it!

Interviewer terminated

LOST:

10 × 8Mb memory modules
10 × 486DX2/66 processors
1 × job

If found please return to:
Dr E.J.Lostmyjobandholme

Lousey: John, how long have you been working as a member of the catering staff?
John: You've been up already. Bring your plate if you want more.
Lousey: No, I haven't.
John: OK. Wha' d'ya want?
Lousey: An interview.
John: 'Aven't got none o'that . . . got crap an' beans.
Lousey: Beans please.
John: Can't 'ave beans on their own. You gotta 'ave crap wi' 'em.
Lousey: We want to ask you some questions.

John: I'll 'ave none o' that cheek!
Lousey: Where did you get your glasses?
John: I'll tell Mr Blunder on you. Now bugger off!
Lousey: Do you enjoy your work at CH?
John: You either 'ave crap an' beans or sod off!
Lousey: Have you considered plastic surgery?
John: [deleted expletive]
Lousey: Excuse me, but have you visited Chernobyl recently?
John: Don't you swear at me! You're